How?

How dare they?

How dare they?

How dare they?

Do people realize how they are perceived, how their actions harm others? Are they so blind to think all this mess belongs to someone else? I think they must be unaware, else how do they sleep at night? They must believe their choices are Right.

I once was certain, myself. Looking back, I am sure that I caused harm to others based on my convictions. Convictions I no longer hold. Digging through my memories to try and see how much carnage my stupidity caused. Thus far, I’d guess it’s a fraction of the damage left by these particular others.

I’ve found myself seeking out people and apologizing for my ignorance, for preaching at them when I should have been cheering them on, for supporting a system that tore them down. It feels good to own up to any part I played in all of this. Also, the responses I’ve gotten from people have been reassuring, which is a bit hopeful. Not that I’m out to merely make myself feel better – I’d like to undo what damage I can, if possible.

I think that my simple acknowledgement is healing for those I’ve spoken with thus far. One of the biggest frustrations is this inability for the abusers in question to recognize that they have hurt people. Their bubble of denial creates a continued state of wounding.

But, perhaps it’s not simply denial. Maybe they are entirely unable to see themselves for what they are:

“A beast does not know that he is a beast, and the nearer a man gets to being a beast, the less he knows it.”
― George MacDonald

Anger

I am in my anger phase of grief and processing. It feels cathartic to be this pissed off, to vent with friends, to rage against injustice and abuses, to sift through the past 16.5 years, to rip up paper and throw away mementos that are associated with it all. But, though this sort of anger is therapeutic, I do not want it to settle into a form of bitter-anger. So, then, I wonder if I should try to stop the anger…

I ran across this quote today:

Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean.
– Maya Angelou

Exactly. Thank you, Maya. I can be angry. I need to be angry. This anger spurs me towards action, towards health, towards closure. This is a process, not a destination.